I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times … But this one is real, and it’s important, so please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying that s/he is checking for ticks due to the warming weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!!

IT IS A SCAM!!!

They only want to see you naked … I wish I’d gotten this yesterday.

I feel so stupid!

Now two dogs can clean your screen even faster than one.

Please visit the site (suwanneesunsetshibas.com) and click on some of their ads if you like the screen cleaner.

Thanks John for finding this.

Here’s the follow-up article on how to easily get file sizes nicely formated. Below is a quick function that will display the file size in KB, MB, or GB all easily accessed through a function.

function formatbytes($file, $type)
{
	switch($type){
		case "KB":
			$filesize = filesize($file) * .0009765625; // bytes to KB
		break;
		case "MB":
			$filesize = (filesize($file) * .0009765625) * .0009765625; // bytes to MB
		break;
		case "GB":
			$filesize = ((filesize($file) * .0009765625) * .0009765625) * .0009765625; // bytes to GB
		break;
	}
	if($filesize <= 0){
		return $filesize = 'unknown file size';}
	else{return round($filesize, 2).' '.$type;}
}

// USAGE
echo formatbytes("$_SERVER[DOCUMENT_ROOT]/images/large_picture.jpg", "MB");
// would display the file size in MB

Just remember the file location has to be the absolute location on the server. It can not be relative (’/images/….’) Please let me know if you have any questions about any of this.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.

John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car.”

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, “Coldwater, lay down.”

1) Your new diet doesn’t seem to be working

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Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours”.

From Flickr set

Below is a quick PHP function that allows you to find the time between two dates. The dates must be in seconds from Unix Epoch.

if(!function_exists(timeBetween))
{
	function timeBetween($start_date,$end_date)
	{
		$diff = $end_date-$start_date;
 		$seconds = 0;
 		$hours   = 0;
 		$minutes = 0;

		if($diff % 86400 <= 0){$days = $diff / 86400;}  // 86,400 seconds in a day
		if($diff % 86400 > 0)
		{
			$rest = ($diff % 86400);
			$days = ($diff - $rest) / 86400;
     		if($rest % 3600 > 0)
			{
				$rest1 = ($rest % 3600);
				$hours = ($rest - $rest1) / 3600;
        		if($rest1 % 60 > 0)
				{
					$rest2 = ($rest1 % 60);
           		$minutes = ($rest1 - $rest2) / 60;
           		$seconds = $rest2;
        		}
        		else{$minutes = $rest1 / 60;}
     		}
     		else{$hours = $rest / 3600;}
		}

		if($days > 0){$days = $days.’ days, ‘;}
		else{$days = false;}
		if($hours > 0){$hours = $hours.’ hours, ‘;}
		else{$hours = false;}
		if($minutes > 0){$minutes = $minutes.’ minutes, ‘;}
		else{$minutes = false;}
		$seconds = $seconds.’ seconds’; // always be at least one second

		return $days.”.$hours.”.$minutes.”.$seconds;
	}
}

Usage Example:

$one_date = date("U");
$two_date = date("U", mktime(0,0,0,4,1,2008));
echo timeBetween($one_date, $two_date).'‘;
// displays “x days, x hours, x minutes, x seconds”